You’d hate me if you knew what I have planned. You’ll hate me if it all goes as it needs to.

Oh well.

"

It’s so hard to be

this close to you and pretend

that it doesn’t hurt.

"

"I am grade 12 student who has just recently graduated. You might call me accomplished, and in a way, I am, but not in the way you’d think. 12 years of pouring over text books and being lined up to be judged in front of my peers has not made me any more intelligent. I can tell you the first 45 digits of Pi and I can explain to you the difference between an acid and a base, I can recite the Pythagorean Theorem in my sleep, I will recite lines out of a textbook like they are a religion. But I cannot tell you the value of security, or of kindness. The distinct contrast between personal health and personal gain. I can tell you in grade 10 four of my classmates attempted to take their own lives before finals. I can tell you our counsellors office is always booked. I can tell you how when I didn’t understand something in AP Chemistry my teacher asked me to leave if I could not participate in his class. I merely asked him to explain a question. Instead of doing his job and teaching, he told me to leave. Told me I was not good enough to be there. Mistakes are viewed as failure in these hallways. A wrong answer is a sin you must atone to, not a human error, but a flaw so grand it defines your entire life course. There is no “average” here. We all must exceed expectations. Do your parents know that a grade that is considered average is a “C”? When I got a C in fourth grade my parents grounded me for a month. They said I was lazy and stupid and incompetent and that I’d better smarten up and stop fooling around. I never fooled around. I am driven by a deep need to impress others. I never fool around. I worked and worked and worked, with a deep hollow of anxiety in my chest. I have never been good at History, but I worked and worked and I attained at best a low B. It was not good enough. It is not said but we are expected to put our education before our personal health. It is not asked of us, but it is what we must do to achieve what we are asked to achieve. Our teachers will tell you, “Oh, I only give them one hour of homework each night.” Which is essentially true, each of my five teachers only gives me one to two hours of homework each night. Hmm, that adds up to 5-10 hours of homework, and overdue classwork, and projects. Say goodbye to sleep, say goodbye to feeling calm. I’ve developed a deep rooted anxiety disorder due to school and perfectionistic tendencies. Even when you get 100 percent on an assignment they still criticise you, it is never good enough. One slip, and you are in deep deep trouble. I can tell you that 90 percent of us try our hardest, and our teachers and parents stand in the sidelines, screaming, “You can do better than that!”"

Why I say our education system is flawed (via moaka)

(Source: perfect-delusions, via letlliveperiod)

I just want to give up. I give up. I give up. I would drive so far from this god damn town if I could. I’d never look back. I’d drive and I’d leave all of you here to fucking suffer. Fuck you and fuck you and fuck you. Instead of sitting in front of my house crying I would be blaring music and driving as fast I could. Holy shit. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Why do I love people that just fuck with my head? Why do I love people who only seem to want to hurt me? Why do I even attempt to have friends? Fuck this.

Honestly, making plans with someone is kind of stupid. I don’t know what mental state I’ll be in tomorrow, let alone next year. I can have an idea of what I want to do, but I’ll never really know if that’s what I will do. I’d love to do all the things with every person I’ve ever made plans with. I’d love to have a cozy quilt covered bed with my big bear. I’d love to have tons of animals with my papaya. I’d love to move to Seaside. To Oregon. To Michigan. To Tennessee. Africa. Everywhere. I’d love to commit but I don’t even know if I even plan on doing my homework or fixing my hair. I just hate plans. I love to be with people but I hate plans. Usually, plans are ruined. Plans mean expectation and expectation means being let down.

windazure:

idk I just want to find someone who is proud as fuck to be with me.

(via thegirlfromthesong)

windazure:

idk I just want to find someone who is proud as fuck to be with me.

(via thegirlfromthesong)

WELL THIS SUCKS.

I dunno, maybe I’m just super awkward and that’s why people don’t like to be around me. Maybe. Being ignored is my most favorite thing ever.